What do you do when shiz hits the fan?
Recently, my husband and I have been fighting like cats and dogs.
Everyday, it’s something new.
The boys, money, and the building permits (oh my!), and instead of clutching each other even tighter, we seem to get into yelling matches of who is doing more, who’s not doing a thing, and how we’re not being taken care of.
We’ve had to transition a lot these past six months.
We ripped our roots from living in the Bay Area to move closer to the property, and we just expected things to be easy and everything with our property to be a “simple” process. Ha! It’s been anything but.
The problem is that starting a new life and replanting roots takes freaking time.
Time to meet new friends, adjust to new schools, find a new coffee shop, grocery store, gas station, dentist, and pediatricians, literally every single thing is new and unfamiliar.
And we’re letting the list of todo’s get in the way of loving each other.
We’re both feeling extremely resentful and you can cut the tension with a knife.
The problem is, it’s on us. We’re the only ones to blame when we can’t schedule in time for intimacy, conversations, date night or to chill.
Normally, I’d keep doing everything. Cooking, cleaning, boys everything, soccer, and groceries. And keep saying yes to more school projects and signing up for everything holiday-related.
And my self care would fly out the door.
Can you relate?
In my old, martyr ways (that I’m still working on by the way ;), I’d continue on the path of making sure everyone else is okay, school is good, husband’s business is good all while sacrificing myself.
But, things have shifted these past few years (since my hubby’s accident) and especially since we moved.
And I think that’s why there is so much animosity between my husband and me.
In this transition, I decided I won’t let myself fall to the wayside.
I’m standing up for myself.
I won’t give, give, give to everyone and not give back to myself. See where that’s gotten me over the years. Adrenal fatigue and burnout.
I’m putting my needs first and people are not used to this new me!
My husband calls me selfish. (See that boundary issue right there?!?!?!?)
In the past 6 months, I got a new gym membership and try to work out a few times a week, continued my meditation practice every day on headspace, called friends and chatted on the phone, tried to spark conversations with people at our new school, commit to taking Sunday morning off, listen to an uplifting podcast and read tons of self-help books and said no to any extracurricular activities for the boys.
And this has given me the strength and courage (despite all the crazy circus shows swirling around me) to continue giving back to myself every single day.
It has grounded me even when I felt like I was alone and my world was f”d up.
It made me still keep my 9 am weekly Tuesday coffee date with my girlfriend even though I just got into a huge fight with my husband and I sat balling in my car on the way to meet her. While my iPhone slid off my chair and shattered the entire screen.
I snapped this photo right after I yelled at my husband and subsequently cracked my phone.
I could’ve said f*k it. I’m gonna go home.
I could’ve hidden and cried and shut down.
I could’ve gotten angry and mad at the world that things weren’t working out. That everything sucked.
My old version would’ve canceled anything and everything.
But I didn’t.
I wiped the mascara off my eyes.
Picked up my cracked iPhone, texted her that I needed a few minutes, took a deep breath, and walked to my coffee date.
For three and a half hours we chatted about life, drama, kids, feeling restless as a mom, travel, and how the properties (she owns the property as well) are really messing up our marriages.
It was exactly what I needed.
In the end, we gave each other a gigantic hug and a big sigh and said, “See ya next week, girl. Call me if you need me.”
I listened to Stick Figure, cried again, and gathered myself on the way to grab the boys.
This is my life right now.
And I want you to know if you’re feeling overwhelmed, stressed out, empty, or just frazzled with all the chaos, don’t worry.
You’re not alone.
This is from my fave band’s song “Easy Runaway”
So your world it has been shaken
You’re heart it has been breakin’
Ask what more can I do
The answers deep inside you
So look at you shall find
Leave the past behind
Have a little faith everything will be just fine
It’s gonna be alright
So, today is a friendly reminder. Do what makes you happy. Don’t lose yourself. Find something to fill your bucket.
Whether that’s calling a friend. And crying your eyes out. #tearsaremedicine
Taking a hot detox bath.
Running around the block.
Asking your partner to give you an hour to go shopping.
Whatever it is. Do it. Do you. For you. For your confidence, health, happiness, and peace of mind.
Take care of yourself. Because no one else is going to do that for you. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
If you need to vent, or wanna chat about something you’re struggling with, hit reply. I’m here for you.
I know how it feels to juggle life and shut down. I’m just choosing to not let myself down any longer.
I can be a good listener so for real. Hit reply if you need to. I’m the only one who reads my emails.
Take care of you today,
PS — I’ve got some amazing news coming next time. It’s all about self care and filling your heart and soul and I can’t wait to share with you.
PPS — If you need some chill music to listen to, check this one out.